Lord, where else will I go if not to You?
I always thought that if you have a strong faith, nothing can make you let go of what you believe in. There are times that you will be 100% sure of your conviction and that nothing can shake it – nothing… until I rushed my dad to the emergency room of a hospital.
It was a suspected kidney stone. It was the first time our family experienced rushing to the hospital so desperate for immediate help and assistance, for someone to take the pain from our dad. The reality of how short life is suddenly flashed before our eyes. I saw myself like a child in the emergency room, clueless of what to do in the midst of other patients and families in need of help. I was like a little girl trying my very best to walk the shoes of an adult. I talked to doctors, made phone calls, and sent messages in desperate hope for the fastest way and help to ease the pain of my father.
After 12 hours straight of countless transaction, lab test; after the painful waiting in the ultrasound room, in the CT stone scan room, and in the emergency room; after moving to another hospital, I found myself laying on the couch across the hospital bed of my dad in a private room. It was such a long day, a long night, and I was sure it was not the end yet. There were still lab results we were waiting for.
That night and the next day, I received encouragements through texts and Facebook messages. So many concerned people were praying for our family. But my father was still in pain and we still did not know why. A few weeks ago before that experience, I was so sure of my faith. I was so certain that no storm can put me down. I might get shaky but I would not be moved, I would not let go and doubt my faith no matter what happens – at least that was what I told myself.
But then I felt that 1% percent – one percent of doubt and disbelief. What if something goes wrong? What if it’s not just kidney stone? What if the days are coming to an end? What if prayers can’t change anything? What if God won’t heal him? The thought of it was so scary and painful that I could not continue. I couldn’t think anymore. I didn’t want to think anymore. That 1% was so powerful that it could crumble down the 99% of faith that I had. It was so devastating that if I let myself drown in that 1%, the rest of the 99% would not matter anymore.
But I had to fight for it. I had to stand for the 99. I had to battle the 1% with myself. The battle was in me. I understand it now, why some great people stumble. I understand why one day you can be so sure of the truth you put your faith and feet on; and one day nothing about it makes sense anymore. I understand it now why some people would choose disbelief after all that God has done in their life.
I’m sure and it’s going to happen. Days are going to be painful. Nights will seem to be a never-ending tunnel. It is going to be so painful that it is easier to cling on that 1% of doubt and disbelief rather than the 99 good things about life. It is so painful that it is easier to get yourself lost in the midst of hopelessness than to stand on the promises of the Lord.
I had to pause. I had to get my mind and my heart, and settle it before the Lord. I had to fight for my faith. I had to fight for what I held on for so long. I had to fight for my God and the truth on His promises.
Tonight, as I type this, I declare that the battle is over (Lord, help me.). I seal it with the blood of Christ that I won over that 1%; that I stood and held on to that 99.
Jesus, You are good and Your love endures forever.
On the third day, we went home with our dad. All his laboratory results showed no sign of kidney stone and his internal organs were in their normal shape. The doctors didn’t find any significant results that should alarm us. Today, my dad is back on his normal self.
Jesus, You came that we may have life – and have it to the fullest. What is Yours is mine. If You have it, I have it also.
In Your mightiest name, Jesus, I have peace, faith, security and life as the Father in heaven has given it all.